Helping the Princess
by Fabius Maximus
Summary: Sometimes Kim needs help... and Shego will provide it. Not Kigo... well not really.... Chapter II-- note these are really short chapters, being uploaded as the Spirit Moves me. Chapter II-- REVEALED, the source of James Possible's issues....
1. Chapter 1

Helping the Princess

* * *

It was a typical Tuesday at the Lair.

Well, except for one thing.

Kim hadn't stopped crying.

Not for the last fifteen minutes.

That was, of course, if you assumed that hypersonic screaming, tears, sobs, and noise the like of which was generally only found in a jet engine's guts qualified as "Crying."

Drakken had stopped ranting, in favor of holding his ears.

Shego was thanking what powers watched over her that she'd paid for the earplugs after Dr. D's last rant.

"SHEGO, WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"MUH, MUH WAH-HA…MY LIFE IS OVER!" Kim screeched. Shego walked over to Drakken and shouted in his ears.

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"I JUST ASKED WHERE THE BUFFOON WAS, BEFORE I SHOWED HER MY HYPERSONIC GLASS LASER AND…"

At Ron, Kim's crying went to hypersonic and beyond—and in sympathetic vibration, every bit of glass shattered….including the not-glass but looking a bit like it, synthetic diamond that was at the core of Drakken's machine. Kim subsided, making little mewling noises on the floor, and in the new silence, Drakken's voice filled the chamber.

"Oh snap."

"Hey Princess." Shego said, looking at her carefully, before sitting down by her, speaking in a different tone. "What happened?"

"Shego, why are you being so-"

"I'm getting some worth out of my credential. Now shut up unless you want her to break the rest of the lair."

"Shutting up now."

"Ro…rrrr….rrooon…." Kim looked up at Shego and Shego winced. Her face was red from crying, there were huge bags under her eyes, she hadn't blown her nose and her hair looked like it was auditioning for "better webs and rat's nests."

"Ron?"

"Uh-huh." Kim said, "I was with Ron and daddy came and…and…." The waterworks started again.

"You two were getting heavy?"

"Uh-huh."

"Had your shirt off."

"No."

"Was banging you?"

"Noo." More sniffles.

"Then what?"

"He, had his hand down my shirt and then…" Kim started bawling again.

"That's it?"

"Daddy was so disappointed."

"In what? That it's likely you'll still be a virgin when you're getting social security?"

"He-he-he threw Ron out of the House AND I'LL NEVER FIND HIM-" More tears and wails. Drakken was in the other room on the phone. He came out looking nervous.

"Shego, do something—the neighbors want to know why we're torturing a cat!"

"Look, Dr. D, I have a plan."

"To give her laryngitis?"

"No, to get Ron back."

"The Buffoon?"

"Don't call him that, I'll never be able to see him AGAIN-WAAAAHHHH!!!". Now Shego grabbed her ears. Evidently there were somethings earplugs couldn't stop.

She grabbed Drakken by the ear. "Show a little sensitivity." Then to the girl on the floor. "Kimmy, wait here one minute."

"It doesn't matter! My life is over!" Kim wailed.

Shego dragged Drakken into the safe room, where the noise was only nearly deafening.

"Shego, Kim Possible will never be a threat again-"

"Shut it."

"Why!"

"Because I'm going to beat Kimmy when she's at the top of her game, not because her dad is stuck in the…." Shego paused, "Hell he's not even stuck in the 1940's, it's more like the 1840's. What is with him? He was a teen in the _1970's_!"

"ROOOONNNNNNN!!!!!!!!"

"There she goes again."

"Shego, _do_ something... if they think we really are torturing cats…"

"Don't worry, Dr. D…. I have a plan." Shego said with a smirk on her face.

TBC.


	2. Chapter 2

Part II.

* * *

At the Possible's home, all was calm, James thought. All was peaceful, especially now that there were no _boys_ bothering his Kimmy Cub. 

She could come around. That threat to become a Bolivian Yak Herder before she had to go stop Drakken was just that, a threat. In any case, it had helped her in one respect—she no longer had any trouble hitting high notes. He looked over to the two shattered mirrors.

"Well, I'm certain Kimmy-cub will be back soon and understand that this is all for the best." He said heartily. "What's for dinner?" He continued looking around the table. The twins were glaring at him.

Well, they would understand when they had their own kids. That is to say, when they were able to find fathers not as… careful as he was.

"Oh, Brain loaf." His loving wife said. Ann put the Brain Loaf down on the table and picked up a knife.

"James, dear." She continued, glaring at him with molten eyes. "Watch this." And with dexterous hacking motions she started removing the frontal lob. "This is how we do a radical frontal lobotomy….understand?"

"Now dear," James said, "You'll understand this was for the best." He smiled, "After all, Just imagine what might have happened if I hadn't intervened with that…Boy."

Ann looked at him fingering the blade of the knife. "Yes, I understand perfectly. You realize that one day I'd like to have grand children." She paused, "From my _daughter."_

"Oh, I'm certain that will happen, in a decent interval when she's ready…20 or 22 years from now." He paused, "Can I have the frontal lobe, since you've finished detaching it."

Ann blinked at him three times. Then turned to Tim. "Tim, do you have your plasma arc?"

"Yeah…why mom."

"Because I think your fathers meal is cold and he'll need it to be warm to help him sleep in the _car_ tonight." Taking it from her son, she turned it on the serving, carbonizing it into a charred lump. "Here you go dear." She said, ignoring the fact that the table was smoldering.

It might take her a few days to understand this was for the best. James thought as he donned the asbestos gloves he'd had the forethought to bring.

* * *

Meanwhile, Shego had carefully entered the back of the house. 

Well, okay, entered it with a clattering smash as she'd been so careful about all the precautions GJ had no doubt installed to protect Kimmie that she'd completely missed the bike one of the twins had left in front of the back door.

"Oh CRAP" she hissed, holding her foot. Unfortunately, her awkward position combined with a wet spot on the ground to send her other foot out from under her and then she slipped back.

WHAM! THUD!

"($$(!!!!!" she snarled using language that cannot be printed in a T rated story, then heard an odd creaking noise. Looking up, she saw what it was. The twins evidently used that shelf to store their old books, Shego thought absently…

Before she was buried under a pile of HEAVY text books.

As she sank into peaceful darkness, she wondered if she was going to have this much trouble EVERY time she tried to do a good deed….

TBC.


	3. The Dark Truth

The Dark Truth

* * *

When Shego woke up, she saw a light.

"Please tell me I didn't break my neck and this is St. Peter telling me I won a 'dumbest death ever' T-shirt."

"No dear, you just knocked yourself out." Kim's mother looked down at her and frowned. "This isn't a very good time."

"Oh really. Having some problems with the Princess."

"Yes, well, how did you know-"

"She's been at the lair. Crying. Nonstop."

"Oh dear."

"Yeah, Oh dear and Oh my ears." Shego glared up, "What is your Hubbie's Malfunction? He certainly doesn't have a problem using his male attributes on you—unless there's something I don't know."

"No, the family is all James… but…but…." Ann flung her hand to her head theatrically. "It is all my fault! If I just, just…" She put her face in her hands and started to cry. Shego blinked, then tapped her on her forehead.

"If you start Screaming like the Princess, I will knock you out and enjoy it, and how is _this_ your fault?" Ann looked at Shego from between her fingers.

"It's a long story…" She said.

"Fine. Spill."

"Well, you see…." She paused, "James took me on a date and he didn't warn me that it was…it was…. I can barely talk about it even now…."

"What. Was. It."

"A Captain Constellation Convention."

"So?"

"He had entered us into the costume contest."

"And?"

"I was the chained Zyblexian Slave Princess." Shego blinked. Okay, kinky, but on the other hand, if the Princess was too naïve to realize it, Shego had done survelliance on them when they went off to their "retreats".

She brought that up. "At your last 'square dancing' retreat you and your husband spent quality time with 16 other people…and I'm not even going to bring up the hogtieing contest."

"Yes well that was an early date… and he went off to watch a marathon leaving me in the dealers room…alone. Unchaperoned."

"Oh. That would be ugly." Shego said, She'd _been_ to science fiction collections, on her never ending quest to finish up her Dr. Who collection.

"Yes, and I decided to pay him back."

"Um, how."

"Oh, I had a friend in the theater department so we tied him up and put him in front of a TV and…" Then Ann started sniffling, "If I had only known…."

"Known what!" Shego said, exasperated.

"The effects of making James watch 32 hours of 1950's social disease and anti-communism specials."

"You made him…." Shego blinked. "And you have the gall to call _us_ evil! What happened?"

"Err… well, it colored his outlook…" Ann said and closed her eyes.

* * *

"_Where's James?" Cindi asked. _

"_I'm not certain… he's been a bit off ever since-"_

"_Oh, I'm certain he's fin-" There was a sudden BLAM! From around the corner as a balloon seller ran screaming, his popped balloons following him. Behind him came James holding what looked like a plasma gun, his eyes blazing wildly with the fires of true belief._

"_BALLOONS ARE ONE OF THE SEVEN WARNING SIGNS OF COMMUNISM AND SEXUAL DEVIANCY!" He screamed, taking aim at one lone survivor…._

* * *

Ann shook her head. "He got better…mostly…. After the court order that he would have to seek psychological help when he put a rat in a suit of powered armor to protect him from the socialist sociology department….and prepare the college for the Red Invasion."

Shego blinked. Then blinked again. "I'm beginning to understand why Kimmie takes things like giant robots in stride…"

"Yes, it is nice how she handles things like that."

"…and is so completely twisted in every other way…"

Ann Frowned. "But I didn't expect him to deal with Ron and Kimmie like this…"

"Well, I have a plan." Shego paused, "In exchange for a few favors…"

"What favors."

"Do you want your daughter to have a love life?"

"Okay, favors undefined—but no world conquest, cloning, genetic mutation, or…" She shuddered, "Costumes." Ann stopped and amended it, "At least no non-bedroom costumes and that's none of your business."

"Deal."

TBC


End file.
